Art and Birth Control
Dj and I are out at a Cuban restaurant eating breakfast in Portland with two good friends. The conversation twists and turns around pop culture, work, hot new TV Shows, and backgrounds. When the mention of TedTalk is brought up and our new friend asks me what my favorite TedTalks are. My mind wonders and latches onto the memory of the TedTalk called “Embrace the Shake” by Phil Hansen. It’s an older TedTalk, I first saw it in High school when my brother, distracting me from my homework, showed me the video. I was enthralled by the artistry and hardship that Phil had to overcome after learning he could not create his genre of art, known as stippling, anymore (click here to see examples of stippling).
I recalled the video to our friend in detail, the man whose hands shake, making his perfect dots turn into tadpoles ruining the quality his work once had. And his doctor’s words that changed his life, “Why not embrace the shake?” That simple question would change the course of his career. He began to think outside of his creative bounds, making a collection of art called “good bye art.” Based on the question, what if the art never existed in the first place, or what if the art could not maintain it’s form and wouldn’t be sustainable if for only a couple minutes hours, or day.
As I explained the story of the man in the TedTalk I shared how I’ve watched this video several times, and have always walked away with a newfound inspiration. My most recent inspiration to create with no limitation, to not listen to the inward critic inside of me but to create regardless of rules, dimension, the opinion's of others, and most of all my own. To create freely.
"I was depressed..."
The words fall from my mouth so fast, before I can really think them through. I hear myself speaking and feel like another listener. I can’t believe this is my story and I am surprised by it. It had been buried inside of me for so long I hadn’t taken the time to read it, to listen to it, until now.
"I was depressed...," I hear myself say, "earlier this year..."
I couldn’t create or write. I didn’t feel like myself and I felt constantly crippled by the weight of a voice inside my head telling me that my words or painting or drawings weren’t good enough. It wasn’t just my inward critic, it was another emotion, one I hadn’t been introduced to before. It was squatting inside of me and telling me how much everything sucked, draining me of energy to be present.
It would put up walls in my throat keeping me from expressing my true thoughts to everyone, including my husband. It kept my hands chained making me feel useless. The emotions I had were intensified, anything good that happened was immediately followed by a dark smokey figure whispering doubts, ripping any sense of trust, security and comfort. It judged every situation, a pessimist he would swirl around lies and negative thoughts until I was defeated; agreeing I was no longer useful. Agreeing that my anger was righteous, agreeing that I wasn’t worthy of a happy relationship, putting up walls and blocking any moments of vulnerability or trust. I was trapped, in my own mind. Controlled by an internal infliction. It would take me three months to realize that it wasn’t me, that this dark monster that had consumed all the joy in my life was a result of birth control.
I had chosen to go with the Nuva Ring birth control method after a friend recommended it to me and I researched how easy it was to use. I tend to be forgetful and on the go, I didn’t trust myself with the pill. So the Nuva Ring seemed like a good fit. But after one month I had piercing migraines- unlike any I’ve had before combined with a nauseas so intense I had to turn off every light in our little studio apartment, even asking my husband to leave the main room because the glow from his laptop would trigger the nausea even more. He ended up sitting in our tiny bathroom for most of the night, working on his coding certificates for a program he was about to join. And I spent two days bed-ridden, rising only to vomit. The migraines would continue for the next two months.
Then finally, a simple fight turned intense. I remember my face red with rage, my body shaking, and my mind confused, 'how am I so angry over something so small?' Feelings of guilt and shame pouring in afterwards, too late. Self-hate for my reaction and pain from hurting someone I loved. I felt like a monster. It was as if this monster had finally overcome me, there was no longer any separation between us. It was me and the monster, interchangeable. I felt lost, I didn’t know myself anymore.
My husband, the most caring person I have ever met, knowing me more in that time than I knew myself. He was able to remember for me and remind me. And he was the one who made the connection between my dark decline into depression and the birth control. He calmly and gently suggested it one day, and I looked at him, feeling for the first time in months a moment of clarity, finally seeing the truth.
I got off of Nuva Ring after three months. I chose not to “try out” any more hormonal birth controls. After the pain, anxiety and depression I couldn’t put myself through it all again or even chance it. My husband readily agreed, wanting me to heal and recover back to myself. I discussed with a couple women I knew about birth control methods and was surprised when I found that many of them had chosen the natural method- tracking their fertility and ovulation and using protection on days they were fertile.
After months of feeling a literal wall in my mind, feeling unable to express my thoughts and feelings and myself I finally felt a wave of peace. I opened up to another friend about what happened- still in shock myself- and she told me to read an article about the history of birth control called, 'The Racist and Sexist History of Keeping Birth Control Side Effects Secret.' I was horrified after reading through only halfway, the lies, pain and deception that so many women had gone through just to get a contraceptive pill on the market was unbelievable. I also realized how much my story has happened to so many other women... and is still happening.
This article helped me understand how much modern medicine and doctors still doesn't know about women's bodies and especially our reproductive systems. Even the last couple of sentences explain that many woman using low-hormonal birth controls such as IUD's and the ring experienced higher risk of depression than those who used higher-hormonal pills or methods. I've witnessed many friends have horrible side effects from the arm implant and from the pill and so on. I know every women's body is different and respond's differently to birth control. But after investigating for myself (more thoroughly this time). I decided I'd rather know how something is effecting my body and what the outcomes are. And I cannot take that risk with a copper IUD (we still do not know what a large amount of copper implanted into a women's reproductive system can do- also it can get absorbed into your body so that's scary), or any other form other than a natural method.
It’s been ten months since I’ve been off birth control. My life has changed a lot since then, I’ve moved, changed jobs, and slowly adjusted to a new lifestyle in the city. It has taken me seven months to regain confidence in myself, in my abilities and in my art. I have only just begun painting and writing again- and I do not intend on stopping. I still struggle with anxiety and creating. There are still days I find it hard to believe in my talents. But I have healed and grown immensely. My journey has been hard and each step I am so thankful for. I hope that in a year the hormones the feelings of anxiety will finally be cleaned out of my body. It is possible the hormones have already left, but as my body is extremely sensitive I question how long it takes to readjust to the world without it.
As I heal I hear the words of the man in the video, the lightness and joy he has found in breaking barriers in his art. And I start to believe in breaking barriers in my own creative nest. I have started painting again, daring myself to try a free form, with no intention but to create, no exact “destination” or result to arrive to but to finish it. The paintbrush guided solely by my heart and the colors revealing my innermost feelings, the vulnerabilities I had stored for too long. Daring myself to explore again to find that place of exploration I had been in before, but knowing it now anew.
